Starting to feel more normal. Maybe coffee made me go strange. Strange and melancholy. I feel like I’m making plans, looking forward, and choosing to keep people at a distance. I’ve become numb to the work situation, it’s the only way to be now. There’s no point in trying to battle against people who won’t change, who don’t understand me. I can just disengage over time, try not to care too much. Maybe I already have let go. Some trendy lifestyle writers call it “quiet quitting”. I’m not sure I’m fond of the term.
I slept in the lounge last night, on the strange uncomfortable foam folding imitation furniture. I think I will do this all the time now. I may move the mattress in or have several layers of futons. The bedroom has never felt comfortable or welcoming, perhaps it is haunted. When I moved here I was used to existing in just one room and with few possessions. I have photos of the flat when I’d just moved in. I had so little but could function well. There were dark grey carpet tiles which were unhygienic but made it look cosy. I threw them out but haven’t known what to do with the floor since. I can just paint it black for warmth. I didn’t have a television then, I used a projector which created noise, heat and dust. It felt like fun though. As I acquire possessions I get weighed down by them. The bedroom contains lots of stuff, but very little that I really need. I can start removing it at night, leave the room empty, ready for moving on. Maybe in future I don’t need a separate bedroom, a large studio is better. I can pack things in boxes. I’m ready to move. I’m restless.
I’m elsewhere now. Other people, random people. I don’t connect with other people easily, not in real life. Once I start my (digital) aestivation that may improve. I don’t want to use the word digital. What else should I use? I don’t know. I just have to clear my head for a while.
Andrew Stevenson 