Back when lunch was allowed. I had an idea of what to write earlier but my mind is blank now.  I'm feeling that I should start to contract, withdraw, and recluse away for the duration.  Home, vegetables, films, painting, writing.  Staying at home, early mornings, cycling, going out at night to photograph and film the … Continue reading 63. Monday afternoon.  Lunch at St Pancras. →

I don’t know what went wrong. I’m here now, piecing things together. Actually not piecing together. Working out what to do next. Cutting things out. Planning. New spaces. Different life. Different people. I have to do this every few years. Different writing. Different habits. Not piecing together, tearing apart. Separating good from bad. Letting go … Continue reading 11th March 2022 →

I decided at the beginning of this week to break bad habits, to make a concerted effort to not do the same thing every day.  So far it has worked, in as much as I’m not staying home, but I’m not doing anything worthwhile.  Two days running I’ve contrived to take a trip out of … Continue reading 93.  Thursday afternoon. →

Another misty sky.  Yesterday it cleared by midday.  I thought of going to the Thames Path but didn't.  Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.  Sometimes I start motivated, then think about what I want to do, and the thinking makes it too difficult, and the motivation dissolves.  I have to sense when that hurdle off too … Continue reading 78. Saturday. →

Back at the institution around the corner from the bookshop.  I always feel I have to be slightly circumspect when coming here, furtive, invisible.  People may see me.  I’ve not felt like this since living in Halifax.  The Melvyn Hayes idiot creature is here for light entertainment.  He’d be too excitable in a sex situation … Continue reading 44.  Friday afternoon. →

An odd sort of day so far.  Bitterly cold outside.  I had thought about catching the last train up to the west end, cycle around for a few hours, then head back as it starts to get light.  This is probably a bad idea though.  The night is at it's longest, and coldest.  I'm no … Continue reading 85 New Years Eve – afternoon. →

I dreamed last night that I climbed high somewhere and saw some remains of old houses, but I couldn't climb back down.  They were small houses, terraced, just walls remaining, holes where there were once windows, perhaps northern.  Later I was at a small untidy Tescos store, I think I was working there, although the … Continue reading 67. Saturday morning. →

3.  New Years Day. On the train home an unusual man came and sat opposite me, and asked me about the train going to Erith.  The bus home from nowhere went there.  This person was strange.  Light brown skin, blond ginger hair, dyed I guess.  He had a short sleeved tee shirt on, unusual for … Continue reading 3-4-5-6 →

I haven't written in ages, over a month. A break was necessary. I've not had much to say, or much coherent thought. I've been managing the bookshop for over a month. The books, the shop, the physical aspects are all okay. The multiple departments, people and procedures are mentally exhausting. It has been a challenge, … Continue reading 101. Thursday afternoon, aching all over. →

At home, tired. I’m used to the fact that people come and go now. I still don’t like it. I still get sad thinking about it, but it is inevitable. I used to be unable to think about losing people, and allowed the innate fear to control the way I interacted with people. When I … Continue reading 40. Saturday evening. →