It’s just started raining. I might go out in it later. Yesterday and today have felt different. On Wednesday I collected the bike, and rode part of the way back. I didn’t feel tired, proof that exercise creates energy.
Yesterday I was motivated to do things. Mentally stimulated, until mid-afternoon when I had to sleep for some hours. I then worked on some new film works until the early morning. I felt I was thinking like an artist again.
Today I have eaten next to nothing, feel energetic but not motivated to do anything.
Saturday.
Colder. I feel like going out somewhere today. I think the current state could become permanent. There is no sign of relent. My concentration is getting worse. No structure, no purpose, failing memory.
Mornings seem to drift by into afternoon, without anything achieved. Perhaps the self-imposed need to achieve or to be productive is the problem. Changes in eating/drinking habits maybe are making me irritable. Changes can be made there, re-alignment of outlook. Whenever I see evidence of other people making art I feel inferior, left behind, and I too easily forget that I can make good work, and do, amongst the average. I’m constantly searching for distraction, I should force myself to do things for solid lengths of time.
I applied for a job this morning at Sainsburys New Cross. I don’t think I’d be able to get there at 4am though. I want to stay up all night once in a while though. The dark evening part is the worst. 3am onwards is the time for trysting as the sun thinks about rising. I’m likely to stay in watching old films today.
Have our senses become more active, or is this just something we are being told by social media and are happy to believe? I’m hearing noises from above. I’ve noticed my sound sensitivity more often recently, outside sound, upstairs sound, hallway sound.
Andrew Stevenson 